I've Been So Angry Lately

How this works: I've been writing these as a brain dump. One sitting, no stopping, no editing, screen turned to basically black so I can't go back and fix anything. What you're reading is that brain dump with paragraph breaks put in, so it's not one giant blob of text. Same thoughts. Same order. Same words. I just made it readable.

I've been so angry lately.

I'm sure it's because I'm not honoring myself the way I should. I've been looking everywhere except within me for the answers.

So when I get quiet, I also realize I'm hardly eating what I should. I'm not exercising like I should. I have all this pent up energy with nowhere for it to go.

I want to spend more time with my kids. I want to spend more time outside. I want to spend more time reading. I want to spend more time with horses.

The other day my daughter was just laying in the field with my horse Dixie while she was resting. And I was so jealous. I wanted to be out there with the horses without a care in the world.

But instead I'm worried about recording it. Taking photos. Documenting it.

Like wtf? Why can't I just be?

Then I realized. I'm not really honoring myself. I'm not really taking the time to do the things that actually bring me joy. I'm worried about what other people think, what other people are doing, how the stupid fucking algorithm works, and why are these lights so bright? Like wtf happened to natural light?

Like I said. I'm angry.

I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at the state of the world. I'm angry that I don't have my dream ranch yet.

I've been wanting it for 5 years. Doing what I can for 5 years to try to get it. But somehow I feel farther away than ever. Every place I want is well over a million dollars, and I have a 500 credit score and $200k in debt thanks to student loans that I never really used.

And there's a part of me that thinks I need to go back to school to be credible. And I get that part of that is true. I want to be a researcher and put together the strategy, the reality, but also the imaginary. The stuff we can't see. The intangible. We know it's there... but is it?

Like wtf am I even thinking.

Part of me thinks this is impossible and will never happen. The other part of me knows that it will happen without a doubt when the right place comes along. I know within my heart that I will eventually find a place. My inner critic is just super loud when things don't go my way.

And I'm writing this just to write. Nothing else. I don't care if people read it. Maybe they need to read it.

I'm done trying to filter my fucking thoughts for everyone else. Will this be SEO rich. Will this land. Will my ideal client like the way this sounds. Honestly part of me doesn't fucking care anymore. I'm tired of all the rules. I'm tired of living in this fucking box that I've been trying so hard to get out of my entire life.

I'm just ready to stop being angry. I'm ready to find peace. I'm ready to write about my life, the challenges I've faced, and I know it's not going to be easy. There are some things I don't ever want to share or say out loud, and yet here I am.

I've even been thinking about smoking again, just to get that time away. I was a smoker for a long freaking time. My first cigarette when I was just 11 years old. Then I started smoking regularly when I was 13.

And random, but I am completely writing this blind so I'm not filtering myself. I have my screen turned to basically black so I can't easily go back and fix what I'm trying to write.

I'm writing just a stream of thoughts for anyone to read or hear, and maybe I'll do a podcast on this too. Call it Voice Notes from Sausha. I've been thinking about doing that recently but I talked myself out of it, because I thought people might not care what the unfiltered version of me had to say. But the more I think about it, the more I like voice notes. Just voice notes, and then we can put from Sausha.

Because let me tell ya, I have a lot to say. I just don't know where to say it.

I'm stuck in my own head and my own body, and then I wonder why I'm so angry. It's like I have all this energy and nowhere for it to go, and then you put rules and regulations on top of it and I'm like WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING.

And recently my new account was shut down. Instagram said I went against community guidelines, which is total bullshit. They said my account wasn't within integrity.

Talk about a gut punch.

It really hurt, because that was the account I started for this being seen challenge. It was like I was finally putting myself out there and BOOM. Shut the fuck down. Like nope, nobody cares what you have to say Sausha, watch us shut this shit down.

And they couldn't even give me a reason or an example or anything. It's so frustrating.

Anyways. I think that's the end of my rant today. I can't be yelling and screaming into a microphone when my kids are still sleeping. But maybe later today, if I'm still feeling fired up, I'll record something to go along with this.

Oh, and one last thing. Just so I'm clear on what I'm trying to create.

I want to have my own ranch. For myself. For my own peace, my own sanity. My whole life I've never really had anything that belonged to me. It was always someone else's, or it had rules that went along with it, or people would give me things but would take them back whenever I didn't follow their rules. There's a word people used to use for that, and I don't think we're supposed to use it anymore. Idk.

So yes, this ranch is for me. It's like the pinnacle of "I've made it" for me, and nobody can come and take this away.

But I also want it to be a healing space for my family and for others. I want people to come to more in person stuff. Put the dang phones away and learn from one another. Sit in circle. Sit in community. No phones. Be around horses.

I want to rescue horses and have so many horses that I have my own herd, and be able to take people on trail rides and experience the magic of horses. And then host 1-2 month long classes, 1x per week. Sessions. Cowgirl camps. And do things just for fun, because we are women and we are moms and we are kick ass business women, but we also need time to just be. And have fun without all the bullshit that comes along with it.

Like who do we go to when we are the strong ones? We have nobody.

So I want to create a space for that. Where people can come and let their guard down and just fucking receive the love and healing they need, without having to do a bunch of weird alternative medicine bullshit. Yes, some of it works. But what about the everyday person who just wants to feel better? And the spiritual people who want to just yell and scream and be empty?

It's all welcome. And it's all ok.

-Sausha

I'm Sausha. I'm an intuitive life and business mentor in Southern Oregon. I work with women, horses and real honest conversation about the life you actually want. If any of the above sounded familiar, my Fall Retreat is Friday, October 23rd through Sunday, October 25th in Southern Oregon. 8 women, and we're not full yet. saushadavis.com/retreats